I'm so confused about life right now. I don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing. I don't know what i want. Maybe it's because of the spiraling depression. I think at this point i'm going to have to call Richard Hall and ask for the consent forms to be emailed to me so i can print, sign, scan and send them back. I need my disability now. I need my flexible attendance and relaxed deadlines or i'm going to have a major mental breakdown. I also haven't smoked pot in awhile. I'd pass a drug test right now. It's such a beautiful mood stabilizer. I just can't smoke on campus. I have too much to lose. I've gotten so many offers tho, but i'm not stupid. I starting cutting again. nothing bad though. they're barely scratches. i use a sewing needle. I've been trying to resist using anything that could cause real damage. I just feel like my will is gonna give out and i'm going to shrivel and die. My body just won't be able to take the stress any longer and i'll drop dead. I'm dead inside. It's winter again so keith is uber depressed again. I wish i knew how to console him. It's so hard when i can only stand by and watch as he retreats into himself. Meanwhile i'm the kind of depressed person who wants affection so my instinct is to reach out to him but he doesn't want to be touched. I miss Drew. I miss his hugs, and voice and face and wacky personality. I miss my brother. I can't type any more or i'll cry and my roommate is in the room